haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
you will always have a special place in my vag
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
