I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
