I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
