Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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