I showed him my bush... on skype.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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