How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
