I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I deserve this hangover.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
