Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
