so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
