You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
