he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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