I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
