he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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