My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
two words...techno handjob
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
