i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
