Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
