Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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