Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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