i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm like, not good at living.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
