We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
