i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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