Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
