last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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