my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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