the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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