The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
