her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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