Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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