I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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