if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
are you so shy because you have an std?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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