Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
