when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
