The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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