I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
