I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Someone came in the potted fern
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
