Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
