We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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