dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
