Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
