so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
sick fucks of a feather flock together
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
