Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
