I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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