im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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