Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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