Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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