Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
