I swear she didn't look like that last week.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
