He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
