and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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