Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
