took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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