i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize