Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
