Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
