I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
