so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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